remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
