So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
