That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
