And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
