Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
