I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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