i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
