he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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