You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
