Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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