did you get engaged???
Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
