i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
