Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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