Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
