i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
