If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
