im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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