Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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