i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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