I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
