ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
