she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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