He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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