ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
