then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
