so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
