just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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