In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
