I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
