Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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