I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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