i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
