Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
This is classic penis vs brain.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
