please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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