I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
