The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
