My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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