you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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