My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
