A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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