So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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