Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
