Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
