we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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