Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
