Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
