my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
