My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
