she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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