Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize