Tell her she can't have a vagina
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
