If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
