you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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