i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I looked at my own cervix.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
