At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
