someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
