My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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