So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
