Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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