The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
