Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
