i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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