The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
