he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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