Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize